just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
