Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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