I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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