i don't like sucking hair
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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