i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
