We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
