you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
