if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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