when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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