I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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