Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
