Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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