I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
