My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
