I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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