in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
