She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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