Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
jump out the window naked night went bad
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