masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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