i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
