I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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