Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
