when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
