i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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