our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
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I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
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I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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