I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
