Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
