just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
