I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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