the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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