I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
