Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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