I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
