I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
