I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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