I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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