I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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