Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
