so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
