he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
NoShamevember. You game?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Randomize
