And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
