respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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