last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
MIDGETS
????
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
