she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
