Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
