quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
