I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
