Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
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i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
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I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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