theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
