Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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