i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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