So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
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Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
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Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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